Hiding the Evidence

Fancy, shmancy Chinese restaurant....

Kind, thoughtful man takes us all out to dinner.

First food arrives....chicken soup. "I can do chicken soup," I think to myself.
Tastes funny, weird, strange...and what IS that THING in the bowl? I take two or three sips and can't go further.

The vegetables are brought out. Oh, I can eat the vegetables. Except I have never seen these greens served on ice. Well, that's okay...they are palatable. I try to make a big show of eating the veggies so KTM (kind, thoughtful man) can at least see me eating something!
Meat dish arrives. KTM puts some in my bowl. "Oh," Chye says, "I've never tasted beef so tender."

I put in mouth....of course, there are the bones; that is a given in China. But, no meat, just gristle and fat. I wrestle with it for awhile, then spit it into my napkin. Try another piece...same result, only leave bones and meat in bowl.

Ah, egg plant. I do egg plant, and look, it's got a nice breading on it.
I take a bite just as Chye says, "Be careful, Loni, it's hot!"
There is a hole in the roof of my mouth, and a hole in the top of my head blowing steam. My mouth is burning, my lips are scorched. I leave rest of egg plant uneaten, alongside uneaten beef.

Next, the obligatory tofu. I take some bites. I'm not really big on tofu,leave most of it alongside uneaten beef, eggplant, and soup.

The fish arrives. I am determined I will eat some. I pull out a modest-sized piece...I eat it, taking out the 1000 bones in my little bite, which are now stacked alongside soup, beef, tofu.

Waiter brings something and puts it in front of Allen. Oh my goodness, can it be? It looks so good. Finally, something I can eat and truly enjoy....custard pudding with caramel sauce. It isn't something I've seen here in China before, but I'll really enjoy this. But, wait, why have they paired it with two broccoli spears? strange combination. Well, they do things differently here in China. I eat the broccoli first; definitely NOT caramel sauce - gravy.

Then, what is this rectangular-shaped item on the plate? I make an attempt to cut it...it doesn't cut easily. I make an attempt to slice it with a knife. It's difficult; it's a very strange consistency; like jello only 20 times more dense. Then Chye says, "Oh, it's mushroom; this is a real treat!" A perfectly rectangular mushroom?!?!? I'm chewing what seems to me to be a wad of rubber bands with rubber cement, and this is a real treat?!?!?!

I cannot leave one more food item on my plate. I whisper to Allen to take one of the two pieces of mushroom...he slides one onto his plate. I still have an entire mushroom left along with the chicken soup, the hot eggplant, the beef and bones, the tofu, and stacks of fish bones. I MUST hide this mushroom, so it looks like I have eaten SomETHIng.

I look, everyone is eating; no one is looking. I slide mushroom into napkin...put it in pocket...no, too wet, it will ruin the money I have in there. Open purse, put it in there...no, it will leak all over purse. I wrap it with another tissue, then put it on empty chair beside me. I feel nervous with it on chair...what if????. Finally, I say loudly for everyone to hear, "I need some tissue...I'll just step into the bathroom and get some tissue." I hide mushroom in my hand, step in restroom, throw in garbage.

Not 60 seconds after sitting down, someone suggests taking a picture of entire happy, well-fed group. Waiter comes to take picture...slides chair out away from table where mushroom sat just seconds before...the smile in the picture is GEN-YOU-WINE! No one found evidence of the lurking mushroom!